How Compassionate Leaders Make a Difference
No leader expects grief to become part of the job description. Yet sooner or later, it does.
- An employee loses a spouse/partner
- A parent dies
- A colleague receives a devastating diagnosis
- A team member experiences the loss of a child
Sometimes, an entire workplace is shaken by the unexpected death of a coworker or a tragedy that affects multiple employees.
When those moments arrive, many leaders ask themselves the same question:
“What am I supposed to do, and what do I say?”
The answer may surprise you. People may not remember every word a leader says. But they remember whether their leader showed up—and how that leader made them feel.
Showing Up
One of the greatest acts of leadership is simply showing up.
- Attend the visitation
- Attend the funeral if appropriate
- Send a handwritten note
- Make a phone call
- Check in again several weeks later
Many people offer support immediately after a loss. Fewer remember to check in months later. Leaders who remember those moments demonstrate something employees never forget: compassion. Compassion doesn’t interfere with good leadership. It demonstrates it.
During my corporate career, I saw leaders respond to employee loss in very different ways. The leaders whom employees remembered years later weren’t necessarily the ones who gave the best speeches. They were the ones who were present.
I remember one woman who lost her husband. The CEO attended the funeral along with several other executives. It was a windy, rainy, muddy day, and throughout the gravesite service, he held an umbrella over her to keep her dry. But his support didn’t end there. For months afterward, he stopped by her office to ask, “How are you doing today?”
She later told me how much his care meant to her during those difficult months. He couldn’t change what had happened. He made sure she knew she wasn’t facing it alone.
The moments when people need us most are often the moments that reveal the kind of leader we truly are.
You Don't Need the Perfect Words
One of the biggest fears leaders have is saying the wrong thing. So, they avoid saying anything at all. Unfortunately, silence can unintentionally communicate something you never intended. Acknowledging a person’s loss doesn’t require a perfectly crafted speech. Often, a simple statement is enough.
- “I’m so sorry.”
- “I’m thinking about you.”
- “We’re here to support you.”
- “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be.”
- “Take the time you need.”
Avoid saying:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least…”
- “I know exactly how you feel.”
- “They’re in a better place.”
These phrases are usually offered with good intentions, but they can minimize a loss or impose meaning that the grieving person may not share. Grief doesn’t need explaining. It needs to be acknowledged.
Remember That Grief Doesn't Follow a Schedule
Organizations often have bereavement leave policies. Grief doesn’t follow HR policies. Three days of bereavement leave doesn’t mean grief lasts three days. Compassion shouldn’t expire when bereavement leave ends.
Employees often return to work because they need to. Not because they’re ready. Some struggle immediately. Others struggle weeks or months later. An employee may appear composed one day and overwhelmed the next. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays can unexpectedly reopen emotions months—or even years—later.
Don’t expect consistency from someone whose world has become inconsistent.
Many people assume grief follows predictable stages or has a clear ending. In reality, grief is deeply personal. Two employees experiencing similar losses may respond very differently. Good leaders don’t compare grief. They make room for it.
As leaders, we don’t need to become grief experts. We need to understand that grief is individual and remain attentive to what an employee may need over time. Compassion and flexibility often matter more than having all the answers.
Grief Doesn't Look the Same at Work
One of the biggest mistakes leaders can make is assuming every grieving employee will respond the same way. They won’t. Some employees are grateful to return to work because it provides structure, familiar routines, and a temporary distraction from their loss.
Others may struggle to find meaning in work that once energized them. They may quietly wonder, “What’s the point?”
Some may feel depleted or overwhelmed because grief can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Others may struggle to concentrate, make decisions, remember details, or stay organized. Still others may seem perfectly fine on the outside while carrying an enormous emotional burden inside.
There is no single “right” way to grieve.
As a leader, don’t focus on predicting how someone should respond. Instead, pay attention to what you’re observing. Look for changes such as:
- Difficulty concentrating
- Uncharacteristic mistakes
- Fatigue or low energy
- Withdrawal from coworkers
- Increased irritability
- Missed deadlines or decreased productivity
- Trouble making decisions
- Changes in attendance or engagement
These changes don’t necessarily mean someone isn’t committed to their work. They may simply be carrying more than anyone can see. Compassion begins with noticing.
Listen More Than You Speak
One of the greatest gifts a leader can offer is the willingness to listen. You don’t need to solve the problem. You can’t. You don’t need to explain why it happened. You probably can’t.
Sometimes people need to know someone cares enough to sit with them for a few minutes without rushing them back to work. Leadership isn’t always demonstrated through action. Sometimes it’s demonstrated through presence.
And don’t assume you know what support should look like. Ask. One employee may welcome a reduced workload for a period of time. Another may find comfort in returning to familiar responsibilities. One may want coworkers to acknowledge the loss. Another may prefer privacy. Good leadership begins by asking, “What would be most helpful to you right now?”
When the Whole Team Is Grieving
The workplace feels different when a colleague dies. People may be grieving not only a coworker, but a friend, a mentor, or someone they saw almost every day.
When a tragedy affects multiple employees or an entire organization, leaders may also need to bring in professional grief, trauma, crisis response, and employee assistance resources. Compassionate leadership includes recognizing when your people’s needs extend beyond what you or your leadership team can provide.
Leaders often feel pressure to help everyone “get back to normal.” But after a significant loss, there may not be a normal to return to. Instead of pretending nothing happened, acknowledge the loss. Give people permission to talk about it. Allow space for remembrance.
People don’t expect leaders to erase grief. They do hope leaders will recognize it.
When the Leader Is Grieving, Too
Sometimes the person expected to support everyone else is grieving, too. A leader may have lost the same colleague the team is mourning. Or they may be returning to work after the death of someone they love. Yet leadership responsibilities don’t disappear because grief has entered their own life. There can be tremendous pressure to stay strong, remain composed, make decisions, and take care of everyone else.
But leaders are human, too.
You don’t have to hide your grief to lead effectively. Acknowledging that you’re affected can permit others to acknowledge their own emotions. Vulnerability doesn’t mean sharing everything or asking employees to take care of you. It means being honest enough to say, “This is difficult for me, too.”
And leaders need support themselves. Lean on trusted colleagues. Accept help. Delegate when you can. Use professional resources when needed. Give yourself the same patience and flexibility you would extend to someone on your team.
You cannot always be the person holding the umbrella.
Sometimes you need someone to hold it for you.
Compassion and Accountability Can Coexist
Supporting grieving employees doesn’t mean lowering expectations forever. It means recognizing that people are human. Over time, routines return, responsibilities resume.
Goals remain important. The difference is that compassionate leaders understand there may be a season when flexibility, patience, and understanding help people regain their footing. Supporting someone through grief isn’t lowering your standards. It’s demonstrating your values.
What Employees Remember
Years from now, employees may not remember every strategic decision you made. They may not remember every meeting or presentation. But they will remember how you treated them during one of the toughest times of their lives. Leadership is practiced in ordinary moments. Character is revealed during difficult times.
Final Thoughts
None of us can prevent grief from entering the workplace. We can decide how we respond when it does. You don’t need all the answers. You don’t need the perfect words. You need to lead with compassion, honesty, and humanity. Leadership isn’t remembered only during successful years. It’s remembered during difficult ones. People rarely forget the leader who stood beside them when life was at its hardest.
“Leadership isn’t measured by having all the answers. It’s revealed by how you care for people when there are no easy answers.”
— Katie Weiser
Continue Your Journey
Leadership isn’t only about guiding performance and managing change. It’s also about supporting people through life’s most difficult moments. If you’re facing a leadership challenge or leading people through change within your organization, I’d be honored to help.